Title: Never Give Up Hope (AU)
Summary: Jim deals with prison life and learns to never give up on hope for the future.
Author Notes: Decided to write a ‘what if story’ about Jim being tossed into prison without ever saving the whales and this occurs after The Search for Spock. Each short story shows different parts of Jim’s life in prison. (Unbetaed)
Memories:
January 2287
Penal Colony 198
Loud voices echoed in the prison block, as the prisoners yelled back and forth to each other. A few greeted a dark haired man being led overhead along the 2nd level walkway. The man waved a hand in acknowledgement, before being pushed roughly into his cell by the guard following him. A loud bang sounded behind him as the guard slammed the cell door shut.
The guard winked at the man inside and grinned at him smugly. “There now safe and sound back in your cell Captain, we wouldn’t want anything to happen to a hero now would we?”
The man let out a snort. “Please Henderson, I know that being busted down to prison guard wasn’t high on your list, but if you hadn’t harassed that Ensign you wouldn’t be here.”
Black eyes gleamed angrily. “That wasn’t my fault if she hadn’t been such a tease……”
“Henderson, leave that prisoner alone!” Another voice suddenly yelled.
“Yes Warden!” Turning back, Henderson grinned mockingly at the prisoner. “I will see you later Captain Kirk and teach you not to have such a smart mouth.”
Jim couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the guard and watched him stroll away. Henderson might make the threat, but he wouldn’t carry it out. Zero tolerance was offered to anyone who bulled, injured, or tried to coerce anyone into something they did not wish to do.
Letting out another sigh, Jim gazed at the prison door. He didn’t understand why this prison still used iron doors with bars when computerized doors were more efficient. Still, gazing at the grime and rusted door, he couldn’t help but think it did have a depressing effect on a person. Turning around to face his room, he let a grimace of distaste briefly show on his features. The tiny room he stood in with its hard cot, single urinal, and cracked mirror left a lot to be desired as well. Penal Colonies were not known to be up to date on a lot of advanced technological features since it was lowest on Starfleet funding. Someday, when Jim finished his sentence here, he must remember to lodge a complaint about this place. Not that he thought anyone would listen to him anymore, since he was dishonorable discharged from Starfleet and tossed into prison.
The trial had been a three ringed circus in his opinion and the media and public had eaten up every minute of it. Then again who could blame them? It wasn’t everyday that an Admiral disobeyed Starfleet Orders, broken into a mental facility, freed a patient, destroyed a Constitution Classed Starship, and helped reunite a Vulcan’s katra. Half the public had seen him as a hero and the other half a rebel. Of course some of the Starfleet brass had seen it a little differently especially the Commander in Chief. It had reflected badly on Starfleet that an Admiral had broken so many regulations. Because of Jim’s actions they had to make an example of him and had called him back from Vulcan.
Many of the higher ups in the Vulcan council had not wanted to let him or his crew to return to Earth. They felt a debt of gratitude for helping return Spock’s body and katra to Vulcan. Anyone willing to risk their life and career for a Vulcan citizen in the name of Thy’la was considered an honored friend of Vulcan. T’shar matriarch and head of Spock’s clan had wanted to make Jim and his crew members of her clan. Even T’pau, Minister of Vulcan, had been in support of them remaining on her planet.
Jim was grateful for Vulcan’s support, but he could not forget his duty. He had to return to Earth and face the board of inquiry. Even if it meant losing everything, he had to return home. The one thing he wanted to make sure of was his crew would not suffer because of this. He was determined to take full responsibility for everything that had happened. No matter what protest his crew would bring up about this nothing would haved stopped him.
Jim sat down on the hard cot and gazed out his barred, rusted window. The sky looked dark and grey. Perhaps a storm was forming? A sad smile graced his lips. The crew had returned with him back to Earth, but they had to leave one of their own behind. Thoughts of Spock made him feel such extreme happiness and aching bitterness.
To finally be reunited with his friend and bond-mate, had been his greatest wish. He had wanted to see Spock for so long that nothing was going to stop him. Not Starfleet, not the Klingons, not even death itself. The death of his son had been so hard to deal with, but the hope of being reunited with Spock had kept him going. Even when the healers had warned him that Spock might not get his memories back had not stopped him. When he had first heard Spock say his name before all others after the fal-tor-pan, tears had sprung to his eyes. It wasn’t until later, that he realized this was not the same Spock, he had once known. No longer did Spock look at him with love in those dark brown eyes. All Spock’s eyes showed now to Jim were coldness and no recognition. Jim’s heart had broken all over again when he learned that even though Spock had regained some of his memories; it was like accessing something that belonged to another person. All the emotions and experiences that made Spock who he was were gone. In its place was a new Vulcan who had Spock’s name, features, and mannerism, but not the things that made him Spock.
Worst of all was the broken bond that Jim could feel, but Spock did not. The bond was like a ragged, bleeding wound that would not heal. Jim could always sense it deep in his mind like a ragged, bleeding wound.
T’Lar, head priestess on Mount Seleyna, had explained Spock’s condition to Jim and Spock’s family. It appeared that reuniting Spock’s katra with his body, did not necessarily heal there broken bond. Spock did not recognize Jim as his bond-mate since most of those memories of the time they had been bonded were gone. It appeared that Spock’s only had random memories and most of them of Jim, his time on the Enterprise, even some of his academy days were missing. T’Lar could not give them a positive percentage if Spock would ever recover his memories or always be missing pieces of it. Because of this the bond could not be mended until such a time Spock decided to rebuild it which was unlikely or Jim would submit to a Mind Healer. Jim had refused the Mind Healer. He did not want to forget the bond he had with Spock and he wanted his pain. He needed his pain. It made him who he was even when it caused him such deep agony.
Sarek had tried reasoning with Jim as head of the household, but Jim would not listen. He ignored Bones when he tried pleading with him to be reasonable and even Lady Amanda. T’Lar had called him an illogical human and warned Jim that if he did not seek help the bond would always cause him pain. Of course Jim had ignored the wise advice and continued to suffer with the broken bond.
Jim stood up and walked over to the medicine cabinet. Ignoring his appearance in the mirror, he swung open the door. Various hypo’s lined the shelf and he grabbed one. Tilting his head to the side, he injected it on his neck and a rueful smile appeared on Jim’s face. The hypo’s reminded him of Bones and he wondered how his friend was doing. Probably cursing him right this instant if he knew his friend. McCoy would be giving him a lecture about his stupidity for not getting the bond fixed especially if it made him ill. He could feel the bond pulsing raggedly in his mind and a migraine was slowly forming. Turning towards the cot again, he lay down and closed his eyes. Hopefully by morning the migraine would be gone thanks to the hypo, but somehow he doubted it.
~
Companions:
March 2287
Penal Colony 198
Prison life wasn’t something Jim had ever seen himself as ever being a part of, although he had gotten into a few tussles with the law in his youth. He had even spent a few days in the county jail in Iowa which was nothing compared to this. Still prison life was a very interesting experience and you were never bored. The structure of prison life was pretty fascinating with the prisoner cooking, cleaning, and managing the place under the strict eyes of the guards. There were classes for further your education, classes for psychological problems, and hell even classes for farming. The farming classes had made Jim blink in surprise, but this planet was rich in soil that they grew their own food. They were even allowed to earn a profit since some of their agriculture was traded to other planets; which Starfleet allowed, since it was less they had to pay for the prison upkeep.
The only part of prison life Jim hated was kitchen detail. Especially during rush hour when more dishes piled up in the sink and it would take him hours to clean them all. Pots and pans littered every surface in the kitchen as a frantic race to complete the midday meal was under way. The cooking crew shouted good naturedly to each other as the food was taken in and out of the kitchen door. Jim stood before a soapy mound of dirty dish and scrubbed at a pan determinedly. No matter how many times he tackled the pile, it would keep growing as long as there was food being cooked. A colorful swear word, had Jim chuckling at his blue skinned companion next to him. The Andorian was taller than Jim, with fluffy white hair, piercing black eyes, and had two antennas on top of his head. Currently, the Andorian was surrounded by a huge pile of onions, which were making his eyes water as he chopped them vigorously.
Watery black eyes glanced at him. “I do not understand Jim, what is so funny?”
“Well it’s not every day that I get to hear an Andorian swear Telen.”
“Oh? None of my people ever swore when you were around Jim?” Telen said teasingly.
Jim grinned at his friend. “Now I wouldn’t say that. It’s just I rarely heard it while I was in the service, unless I pissed someone off.”
“Ah, then you should visit my home world Jim, you will hear plenty of swear words there.”
“True, but if I went there I might start an intergalactic incident.”
Telen looked at him curiously. “Why am I afraid to ask?”
Jim’s hazel eyes twinkled merrily. “Let’s just say I would probably run across the biggest, angriest Androrian male there who I would somehow offend, cause him to swear, and start a brawl unlike any other brawl.”
“Ah yes that would indeed cause an indecent.” Telen chuckled in delight. “We should remember to do this when we leave our current occupation.”
“That might be for a long time my friend.”
“True but we can dream right?”
Yes we can, Jim couldn’t help but think sadly. He had been in prison for 3 years and few months so far, but sometimes it still felt like a lifetime. Telen had been here for much longer, but then again his crime were much steeper then Jim’s. The Andorian had tried to wrestle power from the current government through a coup d’etat and had failed. For some reason Telen didn’t like how the current government was ruling his people and decided he would try to take over. Of course his government had not been too happy about that and a massive manhunt had been raised to find him. Fearing for his life, Telen had fled to Starfleet and asked for asylum. At first Starfleet had not wanted to help Telen, but when word had reached them about what would be done to him they had changed their minds. And so an agreement had been reached with Andorian, that Telen would serve a long sentence in prison and never set foot on his home world again. This had not pleased Telen, but it was better than the gruesome execution his government had planned for him.
Warm hand slid around his waist and a kiss was placed on the back of his neck. “Good day Jim.”
“Hey Seren stop disturbing Jim, don’t you see the giant pile of dishes he has!”
“Oh shut it Telen! I can bother my lover whenever I wish.”
“In your dreams!” Telen said laughingly.
Jim turned around slowly and dropped soapy, wet hands on the Romulan’s thin shoulders. Piercing black eyes glared at him in annoyance. “Damn it Jim, I just washed this shirt yesterday.”
Jim grinned. “Well it’s your own fault for hugging me when I am on dish duty.”
“But it’s the only time you will let me hug you.” Seren said in annoyance.
Jim shrugged. “Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be hugged my friend.”
“Everyone wants to be hugged.” Seren gestured with one hand. “It’s a requirement for us emotional beings.”
“Oh ho? Then why don’t I ever get hugs from you Seren?”
“Oh shut it Telen.”
“I am so wounded.” Telen wiped at an imaginary tear.
Jim chuckled good-naturedly at his two bickering friends. Seren was taller than even Telen, with long silky black hair, pointed ears, and piercing black eyes. He had been in prison longer then even Telen, but that was because he had been a Romulan spy. Starfleet had captured him, when they had been tipped off that a Romulan was masquerading as a human in Starfleet. Of course they had not been too happy when finding out about this and had tossed Seren in prison.
He was glad he had met these two individuals during his time here or else things might have been unbearable in prison. When Jim had first arrived, he had been bitter and depressed. He had lost everything after the trial and he was unsure how to deal with it. To make matters worse, the broken bond had been causing him extreme agony for some time and it was hard to cope with. It was during one of his bad migraines that he had first met Seren and Telen. He had been slumped over in a deserted hallway trying to ignore the pain and trying to figure out how to get back to his cell. A warm hand had touched his brow and Jim had opened his blurry eyes.
A pale face with piercing black eyes looked down at him in concern. For a moment hope blossomed, “Spock?”
“Nope, I am Telen and behind me is Seren, but for you I could be him.”
Blinking rapidly, Jim let out a soft sigh of disappointment. It was a Romulan male crouched before him and behind him, he noticed the Andorian. Telen and Seren had helped him back to his cell and even administered the hypo for him. They had stayed with him and taken care of him even though he was a complete stranger. Ever since then, the three of them had become close friends and he wouldn’t trade it for the world.
~
Solitary Confinement:
June 2287
Penal Colony 198
A fist fight followed by a brawl, and of course the finale of punching a guard had landed him here, in solitary confinement. Now this was not a place anyone wanted to be especially in the summer time, but lucky for him it was only the beginning of the season. The cell was dark, dank, and of course dreary. It wasn’t the worst cell Jim had been in, but it was pretty far up there on the list. His bed consisted of straw tossed on the stone floor, a bucket for him to use if needed, and a gas lantern was his only light. It reminded him of the medieval ages he had read about in books in his youth even though it was the 23rd century. Solitary was not known for its luxury accommodations and even his cell beat this place hands down. The warden had thought that by making this cell as uncomfortable as possible that less people would end up in it for misbehavior. So far his plan had failed miserably.
Jim still felt satisfaction for punching Henderson in the jaw even if he had bruised his knuckles and it had stung like hell. Doctor Fisher had not been pleased to see him and had given him the riot act for his injuries. Of course this had reminded him of McCoy and he missed his best-friend. She had the same cranky and irate manner as his old friend when he got injured. Who would have known that the guard had such a hard jaw and a mean right hook. Still, beating the crap out of the guard had felt really good even if he was stuck in this cell.
It had started off as any other day on the Penal Colony. Jim, Telen, and Seren, had been assigned to work in the fields. This did not bother Jim since he loved working in the fields, helping to feed the animals, and of course being in the bright sunshine. For one thing, it wasn’t kitchen detail and there were no dishes in sight. Of course it was also the day that Henderson and his goon guard squad were assigned to watch the prisoners in the fields. So far the guards had minded their own business and had left the prisoners alone. That had soon changed after the noonday meal when Jim’s worse enemy had appeared. His name was David Griffon and the man was trouble. David had been tossed on the penal colony for beating up his commanding officer and threatening mutiny. This rash act had sentenced him to 30 years in prison and being court marshaled from the fleet. And of course he hated Jim with a passion or anyone who had been a part of Starfleet. For some reason though, he got along pretty well with Henderson, but then again why not. They were both men with giant chips on their shoulders, who would blame the world for their troubles before blaming themselves.
Seren had been vigorously pulling up onions with his gloved hands and tossing them in a wheel barrow. While Jim and Telen had been ripping up weeds and hoeing the ground a few feet away. Neither of them had noticed David walking over to Seren until they heard an agonized shout. Turning around, Jim’s eyes had widned before flashing an angry green. He had shoved David roughly out of the way as he knelt down next to Seren. The Romulan was clutching his head and swearing angrily.
“Seren are you alright?” Jim asked worriedly.
“No, the bastard punched me when I wasn’t looking!” Seren growled. He removed his hand and turned to face Jim. A bloody green cut was above one of Seren’s arched eyebrows and was flowing freely.
Telen grabbed David by the front of his shirt and shook him roughly. “You little shit; I’ll teach you to hit one of my friends.”
“Ah Ah, you better play nice there are guards around.” David smiled smugly while waving his hand around. A ring glinted in the sun which was smeared with green blood.
Jim helped Seren to his feet while glaring at David. He could feel his friend tensing beneath his hands and he knew a fight was about to start.
“Hold it!”
The prisoners were soon surrounded by guards and Henderson looked at them all pompously. He especially glared at Telen and Jim.
“What in the hell is going on here? And Telen let go of David’s shirt.”
Telen let out a snort. “The hell I will Henderson.”
“What?”
“This little pig,” Telen said while shaking David like a rag doll “hit Seren for no apparent reason.”
“Did you do this David?”
“No I sure as hell did not.” David ignored Telen’s growl. “I was minding my own business when these three decided to rough me up; especially this brute holding my shirt.”
“Oh then how did I get this above my eye?” Seren questioned while pointing at the cut.
Jim let out an annoyed laugh. “And how do you explain that blood on your shiny ring David?”
“Why self defense of course!”
Henderson whistled shrilly. “Alright, alright I have had enough of this. You three, let David go. It appears to me that you were bullying him and he defended himself in self defense.”
Seren gasped in shock and Telen just shook his head in bewilderment at Henderson. Jim just couldn’t help but throw his hands up at the stupid comment. It was obvious what had happened, but Henderson would of course take his buddy David’s side. If they had started the so called scuffle with David wouldn’t they all have some kind of injuries and be covered in dirt? The field they were in was mostly dirt since the majority of the ground was being tilled except for a portion where the onions were. In fact, the more Jim thought of Henderson’s ridiculous comments, the more annoyed he got. He wasn’t too surprised when Seren completely lost his temper and attacked David. Nor was he surprised when Telen punched a guard or threw another one across the fields. Shrugging his shoulders, Jim rushed Henderson and punched him in the jaw. It figured the man had a strong jaw and a mean right hook, but he was no match against Jim’s fist.
It had taken several more prison guards to break up the fight and subdue everyone. Of course the warden had been angry and not to happy about this incident. The four prisoners had been sentenced to solitary confinement and Henderson had to guard the livestock for a few weeks. It appeared that some of the guards had not liked Henderson very well and had told the warden what had happened. All-in-all it sucked being in this tiny room, but Jim did not regret his actions.
~
Dreams:
August 2287
Penal Colony 198
A silver bird flew across the pale orange sky and let out a loud call. It echoed across the vastness of the rolling red sea of sand that stretched for miles. A few lone plants and rocks jutted from the desolate landscape. It appeared there were no signs of life besides the bird and the figures walking across the desert.
The heat was intense as Jim followed Spock across the desert plains. He was covered from head to toe in a gauzy gold material that was supposed to protect him from the harsh rays of the sun. Bells tinkled at the bottom of the robes and would go off every time he moved. Spock was similarly clad except he did not have bells on his gold robes and his face was exposed. The heat did not disturb Spock and Jim wished it did not bother him either. He couldn’t help but wonder yet again why he had agreed to this expedition they were going on.
Ever since there Vulcan marriage ceremony had ended, Spock had asked Jim if he would follow him out to the desert. There was an old tradition that his family still practiced and he wished to complete it with Jim. They were to dress in a gauzy traditional marriage robes and march out into the desert. There was said to be an oasis not far from Spock’s home and an old tree grew there. How the giant tree had grown so big on a desert planet no one knew for sure, but it was an ancient tree that had been around for thousands of years. In front of this tree, Spock wished to pledge himself to Jim by completing a wine ceremony. Of course Jim could never say no to Spock and that was how he was marching in the middle of the desert. They had been walking for 2-3 days now and Jim was tired.
“Jim.” Spock called softly.
Jim looked up his bond-mate. “What is it Spock?”
Spock pointed across the desert. An oasis shimmered in the distant and Jim could make out a few trees. Now it made sense why he had seen a silver bird, since there had to be water nearby to support life out here.
Jim couldn’t help but grin. “Finally I can sit down and rest my aching feet.”
“Yes, beloved” Spock smiled at Jim, “and there we can complete the final ceremony to cement our bond.”
A warm glow spread through Jim at the love he could see shining in Spock’s eyes. “Well let’s hurry over there.”
The two of them strode quickly across the sands and finally arrived at the oasis. Huge trees towered over them and dappled light streaked through the red leafy branches. A large pool was in the center of the oasis, but what caught Jim’s eye was the giant tree in the water. Huge leafy branches stretched up to the sky and giant roots sunk into the water, deep into the soil. Jim couldn’t help but gaze at the tree in awe.
“This is one of the oldest trees in Vulcan. Legend has it, that even Surak himself came to the indukah when he was wearied and was refreshed after leaving this place.”
“So this is considered sacred ground?”
“Yes.” Spock knelt down by the water and gently touched the surface with his fingers. “Many of the priestesses make pilgrimages each year to all the places that Surak had visited while he was still alive.”
Jim watched as his bond-mate opened up the satchel he been carrying and placed a decorated ceramic jug with two cups on the sandy shore. Spock then began to disrobe and soon stood naked before him. He couldn’t help but admire Spock’s trim physique and other assets as well.
Spock raised an eyebrow at him. “You must disrobe as well Jim so we may complete the ceremony.”
“Fine, spoil sport.” Jim ignored the slight smirk on Spock’s face as he disrobed quickly. He turned and followed his bond-mate into the cool water until they were standing next to the huge tree’s roots. The water came up to Jim’s thigh and he watched as little fishes swam in the clear pool.
“There isn’t anything that will try to eat as in here?” Jim asked curiously.
“No Jim, the water is quiet safe.” Spock placed the cups on a large branch and carefully poured the amber wine into each cup. He gave one to Jim and held the other one near his lips. Spock’s brown eyes burned with sudden fire as he gazed at Jim. “Thy’la, I pledge to you before the ancient induka that I will be with you forever. Even if one of us should fade before the other or we both die at the same time, my katra and yours will be intertwined for all time.”
Jim’s eyes changed to gold and a tear slipped down his cheek. Those were the most beautiful words Jim had ever heard Spock say besides I love you. He could always feel Spock emotions through the bond, but this was somehow different. To hear the words spoken between them touched him all the way down to his soul. His love for Spock seemed to want to explode from his chest and another tear slid down his cheek. He followed Spock’s example as he drank from the wine. It slid down his throat like fine ambrosia, but he wasn’t paying attention. He had eyes for only Spock and quickly placed his cup down on the root. Throwing his arms around his bond-mate, he closed his eyes in bliss.
“I love you, Spock.”
Agony flared in his mind as Jim sat up in his bunk and gripped his head. Tears slid down his face as he felt the broken bond pulsating in his mind. He could see the rough blanket on his thighs and began to sob. It was a memory from years ago and Jim slammed a fist onto the hard bunk. He cursed his mind, the broken bond, and memories he sometimes wished he could forget.
~
TBC